Losing Control
by supergirl02
Summary: After Kate is killed Tony tries to keep it together but soon finds that he can’t. When he finally loses control he finds an unlikely source of comfort. Gibbs Tony as Fatherson


LOSING CONTROL

**SUMMARY:** After Kate is killed Tony tries to keep it together but soon finds that he can't. When he finally loses control he finds an unlikely source of comfort.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own CBS or NCIS…I do have a Christmas wish list if you're wondering though! 

**A/N:** Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks!

Tony stood under the shower stall, letting the hot water fall on him. He picked up the soap and scrubbed his face, once…twice…three times…he couldn't stop. He could still feel her blood on his face. He could still see her smile and hear the sarcasm she was known for…that he loved her for.

'Why did you leave us Kate'? Tony wondered internally as he finally stepped out of the shower and quickly got dressed. There were still tons to do on the case and he didn't have time to relax. He didn't have time to break down.

Tony grabbed his badge and gun and started for the elevator…he never made it. His legs started to shake and soon they were barely holding him up.

"DAMN IT!" he yelled out loud as his legs finally gave in.

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Gibbs had finished his shower and headed for the locker rooms. He needed some quiet time before dealing with the investigation…and the rest of his team. He needed to get his emotions in check so he didn't snap when he needed to be strong.

He'd just gotten some control when he heard the yell. 'What the hell,' he wondered to himself as he made his way out of the room. He started down the hall and had just spotted his senior agent when he collapsed.

Gibbs took off running to him, wondering if Tony has somehow gotten hurt during the day. When he reached his side he noticed the younger agent was shaking. He knelt down attentively, not wanting to spook the agent but needing to make sure he was ok.

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"Tony?" Gibbs said, placing a hand on his agents shoulder. Tony shrugged him off and tried to stand. He kept failing. Gibbs finally put his hands under Tony's arms to try to help him but Tony once again shrugged him off.

"I can do it!" Tony snapped. "Just give me a minute."

Gibbs could hear the shaky ness in the younger man's voice. Knowing he would get no where asking questions he went to stand in front of his agent. To his shock he saw tears falling down Tony's face.

Tony tried to hide his face but Gibbs wouldn't let me. "Talk to me Tony," he ordered gently.

Tony shook his head frantically as he finally managed to stand up on his own. He kept trying to get away. He needed to get away. Why couldn't he get away?

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Watching the younger man try desperately to get himself back together broke Gibbs' heart. He kept his emotions in check…barely. He reached out once again to help his agent and once again he was rebuffed.

"Tony…" Gibbs started. He was startled when Tony suddenly lunged away from him and back into the shower room.

He ran after the sluggish agent. As he entered the room he could hear the sound of Tony throwing up. His heart stopped as he listened to the anguish cries coming from the younger man.

When Tony finally stopped throwing up Gibbs went over to him and handed him some paper towels and a paper cup filled with tap water. Tony took the offered items both gratefully and ashamedly.

Gibbs wetted some extra paper towels and gently cleaned Tony's face. The tears were still falling.

"I'm sorry," Tony whispered.

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Gibbs looked into the agent's eyes the silent question of 'why' reflecting in his eyes.

Tony looked up, tears falling from his eyes. 'I'm such a disappointment.' He thought to himself. A sob escaped from his lips and he tried once again to get up from the floor and stop crying…he couldn't.

He felt Gibbs' arms on his shoulders and he tried desperately to disengage from them. He knew that if Gibbs hugged him he would never stop crying. Gibbs hold was too much for him though.

"Please let me go," Tony begged. "I can't…I don't want to…"

Gibbs didn't need to ask what Tony was talking about he knew. Tony couldn't allow himself to loose control. Tony didn't want to lose control. His heart ached once more for the younger man.

"It's ok Tony; I'm here," Gibbs said softly.

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Gibbs tightened his hold on the younger man as he tried desperately to buck out of his hold. Gibbs closed his eyes to hold off the tears that were threatening to fall. He let instinct take over as he began to murmur words of comfort to the man in his arms. In that instant he was with Kelly after she'd had a nightmare.

"Come on kiddo, breath for me," Gibbs ordered gently.

He watched as Tony was again tried and failed to stop crying. In utter desperation Gibbs sat down on the cold concrete and put his legs out in front of him. He dragged Tony to him so that Tony's upper half was on him.

"Let it go son," Gibbs said. "I'm not gonna let you go."

Gibbs had barely finished speaking when Tony suddenly turned and looked him in the eyes. "I'm sorry," he said as he laid his head on his boss's chest and finally allowed himself to cry.

Feeling the sobs racking his agent's body, Gibbs couldn't stop the couple tears that fell from his eyes. A couple more fell minutes later when Tony started to apologize again. He knew instinctively that Tony wasn't just apologizing for losing it…he was apologizing to Kate for her dying.

"It's not your fault Tony," Gibbs reassured the younger man. "I promise you, it wasn't your fault.

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Tony stayed in the protection of Gibbs arms not wanting to ever move. After his sobs had quieted down a little he pulled away slightly.

"Will it ever stop hurting?" he asked, desperately wanting Gibbs to lie to him.

"It'll get easier," Gibbs replied.

Silent tears still fell from Tony's eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What are you sorry for Tony?" Gibbs wondered.

"For Kate…for losing it," Tony started. "I tried to be strong; I did. I guess I'm just not strong enough."

"You're the strongest man I know." Gibbs reassured him.

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Gibbs held on tighter as Tony once again started to sob. Gibbs knew that they needed to get back on the case. They needed to find Kate's killer. They needed…'No,' Gibbs thought.

At that exact moment the only thing they needed to do was start to heal. With that thought Gibbs started to gently smooth Tony's hair down.

"I've got you son…I've got you."

Gibbs held on tight while Tony cried out the rest of his tears. Gibbs knew that in time, they would all be ok. They would all learn to live again. They would all learn to laugh. They would all learn it was ok to go on.

Until that moment though, Gibbs was content to simply hold the younger agent in his arms. He was content to know that the man he thought of as a son was safe. He was content to stay sitting on the cold concrete until Tony was ready to leave.

**THE END**


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